


last kiss

by queenC_13



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, so just read it :) :) :), user berryforager says to not use too many tags so as not to spoil, yes i'm the angst queen yes someone needs to give these ladies a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:01:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26048455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenC_13/pseuds/queenC_13
Summary: “Jude?” Jen’s voice is impossibly softer. “I know it’s selfish but I just… I have to tell you. I-”“No, Jen, just tell me where you are and let me come get you. Then you can tell me.”She can’t possibly be about to say what Judy thinks she’s going to say.(alternate of 1x10)
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 52
Kudos: 83





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title taken from the pearl jam song 'last kiss' ... don't worry about it
> 
> special thank you to thebeautifulbadass who helped with brainstorming and beta'ing!!! you're the best <3

“Jude?” Jen’s voice comes through the phone, quiet.

“Jen?”

She can’t believe Jen has called her, wants to talk to her. The last words that Jen had spoken to her have been running on a loop through her mind.

 _I fucking hate you_. 

And she deserves it; she knows she does. She killed Jen’s husband. She knew that this would happen. But that doesn’t mean Judy hasn’t stopped herself from hoping—stopped herself from _wishing_ Jen had felt strongly enough the same.

 _I had no idea that I was going to love you so much_.

And she does. Judy loves Jen. Is _in love_ with Jen.

She knew that Jen never would have felt the same, not in that sense, but she thought that they had at least had a common connection.

But of course they didn’t.

Judy is worthless.

She’s a murderer.

She’s also currently on her way to make it right, to do what Jen had asked, so why is Jen calling her now?

“Jen, what is it?”

She hears a slightly ragged sounding breath through the phone. Is she crying? Is she okay?

“I’m sorry,” Jen finally whispers. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

“What- Jen? There’s nothing-”

“Yes there fucking is, Judy. I know that it wasn’t really you. I know that it was Steve.” Is she out of breath?

And then her words register. Judy's hands go numb and it feels like a white hot fire burns up her body.

“Jen…”

“I _know_ , Judy. You told me you couldn’t go back. Steve was the reason you couldn’t go back. It wasn’t your fault.” Her voice breaks again.

Judy feels like her heart is breaking along with Jen’s voice. “No, Jen-”

“No _you_ Judy.”

“That doesn’t even make sense…” Judy mumbles.

Jen lets out a wet sounding sigh. “I’m telling you that it’s not your fault, Judy. I’m telling you that I don’t blame you. I forgive you.”

 _No_. She can’t.

“You can’t just-”

“I just did, Judy.”

And Judy can’t- she doesn’t know what to feel. Yes it’s what she had been hoping for, from the very beginning of becoming friends with Jen, but she doesn’t deserve it. She’s here, walking towards Ted’s memorial, ready to listen to Jen, to die, and now Jen is-

It doesn’t make sense.

“What happened, Jen?”

Judy hears her take another shaky sounding breath. Why does her breathing sound like that? She can feel the dread, creeping up from a pit in her stomach.

“I ran into Steve,” Jen finally says. “He had some… interesting things to say.”

A cough sounds over the speaker, softly, like Jen is trying to cough away from the mic.

“Jen what did he say to you? What did he do?”

Another cough sounds, this one definitely sounds wet, like Jen is choking on it.

“Jen?” The panic is crawling up now. Something isn’t right. Jen isn’t okay. “Where are you? _Jen_.”

“I’m fine,” Jen says, mumbling slightly. “I just… needed to tell you. I needed to tell you that I forgive you. I’m sorry.”

Judy lets out a burst of panicked laughter. “You already said that, Jen. Now just tell me where you are. Are you at home?”

“No- We went- Steve-”

“You were with Steve? Where did he take you?”

The panic is growing, skyrocketing, really. Judy’s fingers are still tingling and she struggles to keep her own breath even as spots start appearing at the edge of her vision. Judy knows Steve—he’s unhinged. And if he found out that she took the money… she knows that he’s angry.

Then she remembers him calling her earlier and ignoring them, ignoring all of the voicemails.

She should have answered.

Everything always _is_ her fault.

“Jen, where did he take you? What did he do?” She’s pleading now. It may have been rare, but Steve had ever laid a hand on her. When she did something particularly stupid, made a dumb decision. And she’s never done anything this big before—never stolen money from him, never turned him into the police.

And he found Jen instead of her.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“Jude?” Jen’s voice is impossibly softer. “I know it’s selfish but I just… I have to tell you. I-”

“No, Jen, just tell me where you are and let me come get you. Then you can tell me.”

She can’t possibly be about to say what Judy thinks she’s going to say.

“Let me fucking say it.” She’s mumbling again. Another wet breath. “I love you, Judy. I really fucking do.”

“Jen.” Judy lets out a sob—she can’t help it. This can’t be happening. She knows what the wet breaths mean, she knows why Jen’s voice is getting softer. But that can’t be it. It just can’t.

“I just had to let you know.”

The tears fall from Judy’s face as she tries to catch her own breath, her body now wracking with sobs.

“I love you too, Jen. I’ve loved you from the first night. Now just tell me where you are.”

She can hear Jen breathing hard on the other end, hears how they’re both struggling.

Then she hears a choked breath, and the distant sound of a car horn.

Then… nothing.

“Jen?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer: the dialogue taken from 1x10 does not belong to me x

_Earlier that night._

* * *

“Judy?” Jen hears a voice calling from outside—Steve.

She grabs the gun and sticks it in the pocket of her robe before taking a deep breath and moving to the door. 

“Where’s Judy?” Steve demands as soon as he sees her. “I need to speak to her immediately.”

“She's not here.”

“Where is she?” Jen can see the tension taut within his body, the way his hands are shaking with barely concealed rage.

She ignores his question for a moment. “You could've told me that you're pulling that offer. It really did fuck me, you know that?”

“Yeah, well, Judy fucked me.” Steve lets out a harsh laugh. “There you go. She ruined my life.”

“Well, you're not alone.”

Steve smirks—it’s sinister. “I told you. Anywhere Judy goes, chaos follows.”

“Yup. You did.” Jen’s not sure why agreeing with him makes her feel a little sick.

“I was just trying to look out for you.” He lets out another unsettling chuckle. “Now tell me where Judy is so I can deal with her.”

And Jen can see it in his eyes—this is a man who’s truly unhinged. Sure she hates Judy, but that doesn’t mean she’s a fucking monster. 

Which is why she knows that she can’t let Steve confront her alone. 

_Deal with her_ isn’t something that Jen’s really comfortable with, no matter how fucking furious she is herself.

(She doesn’t need to analyze why.)

“I think she’s staying at this old motel on the way out of town.”

“She planning on leaving?”

“It’s just what she can afford without you,” Jen says lightly. “I can give you directions if you want, I’ve got something to give back to her.”

Steve nods and gestures towards the front of the house, in a _let’s-go-then_ manner. Typical man.

“Just let me grab my purse and a jacket.”

She moves inside, walking upstairs as quickly as possible, actually thankful for Charlie and Henry being at Lorna’s right now. After a moment's hesitation she grabs Judy’s forlorn baby blanket and shoves it in her purse, before taking the gun out of her robe and shoving that in there as well before clasping it shut. She grabs a jacket from her closet before making her way back downstairs and hearing a honk.

Seriously, fucking impatient much?

She leaves out the front door and strolls casually to Steve’s own Mercedes.

“Alright, if you drive like you’re going out of Laguna, make your way to the highway and then start going South until we get out of town. I can lead you from there,” Jen says as she buckles her seatbelt. 

“She destroyed me, Jen,” Steve says after a few minutes of driving silently. “My whole life, my family, everything I worked for, it's all gonna disappear.”

“What happened?”

“I can't really get into it.”

Jen snorts. “What? She run someone else over?”

Steve glances at her quickly before looking back at the road. “She told you?”

“Yeah.” Jen’s hands clench into the strap of her purse, reliving the moment that Judy told her in her mind. _I hit him. I had a ‘66 Mustang_.

“Shit,” Steve’s voice breaks her back out of it. “Would it make any difference if I… if I told you I'm sorry? Not that I was the one driving.”

Wait… what the fuck?

“You were in the car?”

“Jen, that was… honestly one of the worst moments of my entire life,” Steve says, glancing at her again, his face a caricature of grief.

“I'm so sorry,” Jen says. She doesn’t hold any of the sarcasm or bite from her voice, but of course he doesn’t fucking pick up on it.

“Thank you. It… It just killed me not to tell you, especially once- I don't know, once I got to know you. You know, in so many ways, I feel like we’re… we’re in this together. You know?”

He _cannot_ be fucking serious.

“Are we?” Jen musters out. 

“Yeah.” Steve nods emphatically. 

Jen sits with that for a moment before realizing… “Why didn't you stop?”

“What?”

“That night.” This is important, Jen can feel that this is important. It feels like her brain is a Rubik’s cube, working to align the information.

“Oh. I mean, I wanted to.”

That’s not good enough. That doesn’t fit.

“Judy said she wanted to go back, but she couldn't,” Jen presses. “Why not?”

Steve lets out a light chuckle and runs a hand through his hair. “I don't... I don't know.” He shrugs. “She just didn't.”

“And you didn't.”

“Don't do that,” Steve scoffs.

“Do what?”

“Don't turn this into some ‘blame the man’ thing.” His voice is rising. “That's bullshit. Don't. We both know what Judy is capable of.”

“Yeah. And I know what you're capable of.”

Jen’s heart is starting to beat overtime in her chest. She can feel panic rising within her, not dissimilar to when she was stuck in that bastard’s garage. 

“Hey, her hand was on the wheel. Her foot was on the gas. So don't fucking look at me like that.” Steve’s hands are gripping the wheel now and Jen can see the veins in his hands as they clench tightly. She can see the power in those hands, but still can’t stop her response.

“Fuck you.”

“Fuck you!” Steve spits out. “She was driving. She did it.”

And Jen realizes now that he’s the one driving and she’s completely at his mercy—it’s not a good thought, but she can’t stop her brain from turning over the information in her mind. The pieces are starting to come together quicker now. Jen thinks back over her entire relationship with Judy—a woman who’s never actually said a bad word about anyone. A woman who was so intimidated by this man that she had Jen herself break up with him. 

“What did you say? Huh?” Jen needs to ask. She needs to know. It feels penultimate, this answer. “After she hit him, what did you say?”

“I don't remember.”

No, that won’t do.

“One of the worst moments in your life, and you don't remember?” 

“I don't remember,” Steve insists.

Jen shakes her head. “Judy would have stopped.”

“Did you not hear me the first time I said it? I don't remember.”

“Pull over,” Jen says. It’s late and the road is deserted—they haven’t quite made it to the highway yet—but she has her cell phone, she has a AAA card and she can’t stand another fucking second in the car with this man. She needs to find Judy herself. 

“Jesus fuck. I'm a good guy, Jen.”

She shakes her head again. “No, you're not a good guy. Pull over the fucking car.”

Steve laughs his cruelest laugh yet. “You promised me Judy; we’re finding Judy.”

“I _said_ pull over.” Jen reaches over to grab the wheel herself, pulling it sharply towards herself so the car swerves towards the shoulder, forcing Steve to slam on the brakes so they don’t crash. She flies out of the car immediately and Steve follows.

“What the fuck, Jen?”

She opens her purse, grabs the gun out of instinct. 

He starts moving closer. “You're defending her, and you're pulling a fucking gun on me?”

“Don’t come any closer,” she says, lowly, clicking off the safety.

“Give me the gun. You don't know what you're doing.” He rolls his eyes, still advancing.

She backs up in reflex and feels her body thump into the guard rail. 

_Fuck_.

“Don't come any closer.” Her hand is shaking as she points the gun, but he’s close enough that she knows she’ll hit him somewhere.

“I'm not going anywhere until you get back in my car and fucking bring me to Judy.”

He lunges at her then, grabbing for the gun. She twists her body, trying to duck away from him while still keeping the gun pointed. His hand grabs her arm like a vise grip and she turns her head, bites his arm as hard as she can in self-defense. He shouts in pain as his other hand grabs for hers holding the gun and then it’s a wrestle as she tries to defend herself and the weapon when suddenly a shot rings out.

She feels deaf at the noise, her eardrums ringing like the shot in the air.

Only… the shot wasn’t in the air, she realizes. Steve’s looking down at her in horror and she follows his gaze and- 

_Oh_.

Her shirt looks black now, she tries to remember what color she was wearing and dimly thinks navy. But it’s black now… black with blood. Her blood. It’s spreading quickly, she realizes; realizes that the stain is blooming from a spot on her stomach that’s darker than the rest.

And it’s then that she feels the burn in her abdomen.

 _She’s the one who’s been shot_. 

She looks up at Steve, opens her mouth to say something (she doesn’t even know what) but he’s standing up, backing away from her. He flees to the car and then it’s peeling away and she’s alone. Alone on the side of the fucking road, bleeding out.

Just like Ted, she realizes.

She lets out a hysterical laugh. She hated Judy for killing her husband, for leaving him like roadkill on the side of the road, and now Steve has done the same thing to her.

But it’s Steve, actually, that did it to Ted as well.

Judy was driving, but he was in the car. Her Rubik’s cube is complete now, and Jen sees that Judy had nothing to be sorry for.

(Besides the lying—but hasn’t Jen lied as well?)

She doesn’t know what Steve said, but she knows that it was enough for Judy to be afraid, to not do the right thing; it was enough for Steve to keep her under his control until he tossed her to the side of the road as well. 

Jen opens her purse and digs around for her phone, touching Judy’s blanket as she looks. She pulls both items out, brings the blanket up to her nose and inhales the scent of Judy. She needs to call her. She needs to tell her she forgives her.

And she needs to confess herself.

Because she knows it now, as clearly as she knows that she’s going to die here.

She’s in love with Judy. 

She thinks she’s been in love with Judy from that first phone call, when Judy made her feel more comfortable than she had since Ted’s death—from before that, even. When Judy made her feel comfortable and beautiful in her own skin, made her feel like she deserved the happiness that Judy brought her. 

She’s seen Judy with her kids, seen how she grew to love them unconditionally and thinks that maybe she loves Jen just the same. 

(It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t—having whatever love Judy gave her has been enough.)

She unlocks her phone; her screen left on their text chain. She clicks on Judy’s name at the top, then hits the call button, holding her breath until the line opens.

“Jude?” Her voice comes out quieter than she meant it to.

“Jen?”

And she tries not to break at hearing Judy’s voice, at knowing that this is the last time she’ll be hearing Judy’s voice.

(Then she thinks about her boys, about how they won’t hear her voice again either. And her body is already numb but she wishes her heart was numb too, that she couldn’t feel it viscerally breaking at the thought. She can’t believe they’ll have to lose both of their parents, that they’ll have to go through this a second time. 

_Fuck._

Why can’t things be different?)

“Jen, what is it?” Judy’s voice breaks her out of it.

She takes a deep breath, trying to keep the tears at bay, hoping her voice doesn’t sound too ragged.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

“What- Jen? There’s nothing-” Judy sounds confused and Jen needs to fix that.

“Yes there fucking is, Judy. I know that it wasn’t really you. I know that it was Steve.” The sentence takes a lot out of her. She hadn’t realized how hard it was getting to breathe. 

“Jen…”

“I _know_ , Judy.” She tries her hardest to get this out. She needs to get this out. “You told me you couldn’t go back. Steve was the reason you couldn’t go back. It wasn’t your fault.”

 _It truly wasn’t her fault_.

“No, Jen-”

“No _you_ Judy.” Why won’t she listen? Jen is trying to apologize. She’s trying to make Judy see-

“That doesn’t even make sense,” it sounds like Judy mumbles. 

Jen can’t help it, she lets out a laugh and _fuck_ that makes it hurt worse, makes it harder to breathe. Is the blood coming into her lungs now? It kinda feels like it is. She must be running out of time. She has to push through.

“I’m telling you that it’s not your fault, Judy. I’m telling you that I don’t blame you. I forgive you.”

“You can’t just-”

“I just did, Judy.”

Why won’t she just listen? Why won’t she let Jen do this?

(She knows why, in her heart. She knows that Steve wore her down, made her feel unlovable. And that she’ll never be able to fix that.)

“What happened, Jen?”

She opens her mouth to answer, struggles to inhale, to get the words out.

“I ran into Steve. He had some… interesting things to say.”

She doesn’t need to tell Judy anything else. She doesn’t need to feel worse than she already does.

A cough builds then and she knows that’s going to be even more painful. _Shit_. She rolls her head to the side as best she can, tries to let out the cough away from the phone so Judy can’t hear it. 

“Jen what did he say to you? What did he do?”

Another cough overtakes her. Fuck, that was definitely wet. The blood really has hit her lungs.

“Jen? Where are you? _Jen_?”

Judy sounds panicked—she’s not supposed to be panicked. She’s supposed to listen to what Jen is saying.

“I’m fine. I just… needed to tell you. I needed to tell you that I forgive you. I’m sorry.”

Is she making sense? She hopes she’s making sense.

“You already said that, Jen.” _Well shit_. “Now just tell me where you are. Are you at home?”

“No- we went- Steve-”

Oh wait. She shouldn’t have said that. Judy shouldn’t know that.

“You were with Steve? Where did he take you?”

Judy’s voice is rising over the speaker; now she sounds even more panicked. And Jen can feel herself fading. She realizes that her eyes are shut and she struggles to open them. But it’s so comfortable to have them shut… comfortable like Judy’s blanket, still next to her head. 

She hears Judy’s voice again dimly—she sounds further away now. “ _Jen_ , where did he take you? What did he do?”

Fuck Steve. Steve doesn’t matter. She has something to say, Jen remembers. This was the whole point of the phone call. She forces her eyes open, trying to help herself focus.

“Jude? I know it’s selfish, but I just… I have to tell you. I-”

And Judy fucking interrupts her. 

“No, Jen, just tell me where you are and let me come get you. Then you can tell me.”

She can’t tell Judy where she is—there’s not enough time.

“Let me fucking say it.” She’s struggling to get the words out, to even remember what she has to say. But no, she remembers—of course she remembers. This is the most important part. “I love you, Judy. I really fucking do.”

“Jen-”

And what is that noise? It sounds like a cry, Jen thinks. Judy shouldn’t be crying, this is a good thing.

“I just had to let you know.”

There. She did it. It’s like a weight lifts from her chest as her eyes fall shut once again. It feels like she’s floating now, like her whole body is being lifted away. The pain is gone now—it’s more peaceful than she thought. She hopes that Judy will be there for her boys—hopes Judy knows that obviously she would want that.

 _I love you too, Jen. I’ve loved you from the first night. Now just tell me where you are_.

Judy? Is she here?

Jen tries to focus but she can’t, she just wants to keep floating. 

But there’s a light now, coming towards her, getting brighter.

And before she fades out completely it sounds like a car horn.

Who knew there were still cars in Hell?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i welcome all of the yelling at me
> 
> (also, though, take note of the chapter numbers. trust me)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer: i am clearly not a doctor so just... go with it
> 
> also big thanks to @everydaybicon for the beta‘ing, help and support for this ch <3

_“Jen?”_

Judy realizes that she’s fallen to the ground. Her legs can’t hold her up anymore—this sudden grief is physically weighing her down. 

Jen is gone. She can feel it in her bones.

 _I love you, Judy. I really fucking do_.

The words that Judy has been longing to hear for months now, and they’re the last ones from Jen she’ll ever hear. 

A guttural sob tears from her throat as the realization truly hits. It feels like it’s going to rip her body in two; this pain, this ache. 

What is she supposed to do now?

She should call the police. She knows that Detective Perez doesn’t trust her, but she would have to help her. She doesn’t know who else could help right now—certainly not the Chief, not when he’s so connected to Steve.

But what about the boys?

Oh God, the boys.

They lost their father and now they’ve lost their mother.

And Judy’s met Lorna—she’s… well, she’s no Jen. No one could ever _be_ Jen. And Judy has no claim to the boys, as much as she loves them like they’re hers. Will she never be able to see them again either? 

The thoughts are swirling around her brain unbridled. It’s too much. She can’t do this, she can’t go on.

She needs to die too, just like Jen told her to.

But no.

She _has_ to go on. She needs to report this to the police—to Perez. She needs to get justice for Jen. Steve can’t get away with this. It doesn’t matter if Judy goes down with him. She deserves it anyway.

She looks back down to her phone, tries to get control of her sobs (although more spill out when she sees Jen’s name there, as her last call) but finally she’s able to pull up the number she has for Perez, thankful that she had ended up saving it.

The line rings and rings until it hits voicemail. Judy looks at the time—past 11. But this is important. It’s for Jen. So she hits ‘call’ again.

“What?” It’s harsh, annoyed already.

“Hi, um, Detective Perez? It’s Judy, Judy Hale.” She tries to be firm, wanting to be taken seriously, but the tears crack her voice and betray her. 

“Why in God’s name are you calling me this late Miss Hale?”

She sniffles, preparing herself to say the words. “There’s been an accident. Steve- and Jen- I got a call from Jen and she’s- well she-” the sobs are coming again now and she’s helpless to stop them. “He did something to her, I don’t know what. She- she called me to- to say goodbye, I think.”

“Slow down,” Perez orders. Judy’s not sure, but she thinks her voice might be just a bit softer now. “How do you know that Mr. Wood did something to Mrs. Harding?”

“She told me. She mentioned Steve and said ‘we went’ but she wouldn’t tell me where. She couldn’t breathe and then she was coughing and then she just stopped answering.” Judy rushes through the words as if they can be ripped off, quick like a band-aid. “Can you track her phone? Can you find her? I know that he found out I turned him in, he tried calling me and I didn’t answer and I know that he must’ve been really angry. I know that he did something.”

“Jesus Mary and Joseph,” it sounds like Perez mutters, and then Judy hears her mumble something else that’s unintelligible. “Where are _you_ , Miss Hale?”

Judy looks up at Ted’s memorial still in front of her. It’ll sound bad, but it doesn’t matter, she reminds herself. This is for Jen—even if she’s going down with Steve.

She opens her mouth to answer when her phone beeps with another call coming through. 

“Hold on,” she says and switches to the other line.

“Miss Hale?” a voice comes through. “This is Nurse Warren with Laguna Memorial Hospital. We have a Jennifer Harding here and you’re listed as her emergency contact.”

_Jen? At the hospital?_

Judy’s heart flies into her throat. “She’s at the hospital? She’s alive? She’s okay?” she chokes out. 

“Mrs. Harding suffered major internal trauma to the abdomen. She crashed in the ambulance on the way here but the paramedics were able to resuscitate. She’s in surgery now if you can come down to the hospital. Someone will be able to give you more information.”

“Yes- yes! I’ll be right there.”

She switches the line back to Perez. “That was the hospital—Jen is there. She’s in surgery. I have to go there now.”

A hard sigh rings over the line. “I’ll let the precinct know we have to find Mr. Wood so we can question him. I’ll check back with you on the status of Mrs. Harding so we can question her too. Goodbye Miss Hale.” And then so softly, Judy’s not sure if she even heard it: “Good luck.”

Judy hangs up and pulls up the Uber app on her phone, thankful that one is only 2 minutes away. The wait is excruciating but she uses the time to try and pull herself at least somewhat together until the car finally pulls up.

“Laguna Memorial, please.”

Her thoughts are spinning as she thinks about the state Jen might be in and whether she’ll even make it. The nurse said she was in surgery, but she had also crashed in the ambulance. If Judy had just called 9-1-1 quicker, if she had somehow put Jen on hold and called for help right away… she should have realized immediately that something was wrong. She waited too long, and that was also her fault, just like Steve coming after Jen in the first place.

If Jen doesn’t make it through this… no, she can’t think that. 

She twists her rings around and around on her fingers and realizes that she’s nearly chewed a hole through her lip from the anxiety.

Finally (but not soon enough) they’re pulling up to the hospital and Judy just barely remembers to call a ‘thank you!’ up to the driver before she bursts out of the car and all but runs through the entrance of the emergency room. 

“Jennifer Harding?” she practically shouts at the receptionist. 

_Calm down, Judy. Deep breaths._

She tries again: “I got a call that a Jen Harding was brought here; I’m her emergency contact. They said she was in surgery?”

The woman types on her keys for a moment before looking back up at Judy. “Yes—she was brought in from a gunshot wound to the abdomen. Someone found her on the road and called 9-1-1; they performed first-aid themselves until the paramedics arrived.”

Judy curses herself again for not calling on her own in the first place.

“She had extensive blood loss and her heart did stop on the way here but the paramedics were able to bring her back. She went right into surgery—the doctors are trying to repair the damage and check for any internal bleeding.”

“Is she going to be okay?” Judy feels desperate with her worry.

The receptionist smiles—it’s a bit too placating. “The doctors will do their best. Feel free to sit and wait—is there anyone else you need us to call?”

Judy hesitates, thinking about the boys. She knows that she should call them, knows that they need to know, but she doesn’t want them waiting here—doesn’t want them to have to sit with the anxiety and panic of the _not knowing_. 

It’s better for her to tell them once the news is concrete. If Jen is going to be okay or…

She’ll wait.

So she shakes her head, attempts a smile, and goes to sit on one of the hard plastic chairs against the wall. Her knee bounces as she waits and soon her fingers are tapping against her leg as well. She can’t sit still, can’t keep her energy in this one spot—not when her heart is back in some operating room with Jen.

And now that she’s sat here, left only with her thoughts, she thinks about what Jen actually said again, the fact that Jen loves her—is in love with her.

It’s exactly what she’s always wanted, but all she can think about is how she doesn’t deserve it.

She can never possibly deserve Jen’s love, especially now.

It doesn’t matter if Jen ends up being okay—the fact remains that everything that happened is Judy’s fault. Even if Jen thinks she forgives her, even if she claims to love her. 

_She_ hit Ted. _She’s_ the reason that Steve found Jen. 

That Steve apparently _shot_ Jen.

And oh God, even thinking that makes the panic ramp back up to 100. Steve shot Jen. He shot her and left her on the side of the road. Left her in such bad condition that she had nearly-

It’s just all her fault. 

It should be her on the operating table, not Jen.

The self hatred continues to spiral as Judy waits, unaware of everything else in the waiting room around her, the concept of time irrelevant until she realizes that someone is calling her name.

“Miss Hale?”

She looks up and sees a doctor standing before her. She stands up quickly, nearly stumbling with the adrenaline. 

“Is Jen okay?” Her eyes preemptively fill with tears. 

The doctor (his name tag reads Dr. Wilson) lays his hand on her arm gently—she realizes her full body is trembling. 

“It was touch and go for a while. Luckily the bullet missed any major arteries but it did cause a fair amount of damage to the large intestine. Due to the significant blood loss it was a difficult repair, but I feel confident that she’ll be able to make a full recovery.”

Judy feels all of her breath leave her in a _whoosh_ of relief. 

She’s going to make a full recovery. She’s going to be okay. 

“We moved her into a room for observation—has anyone contacted the authorities?”

“I called before- before I came here,” Judy says. 

Dr. Wilson nods. “Let them know she should be awake in the morning if they want her statement. I always try to give my patients a bit of recovery time before forcing the police on them.” He gives Judy a conspiratorial wink before squeezing her arm again gently. “Would you like to see her?”

“Can I?” Judy’s heart feels like it’s in her throat and she can feel her eyes starting to fill with tears again. 

_She’s going to see her again. Alive._

“Follow me,” Dr. Wilson says. 

He leads her through the door of the OR and then through another set of doors to patient rooms, eventually stopping outside of a door that’s cracked open. 

_Oh God._ Jen is in that room. She’s alive in there and Judy is about to see her again for the first time since _I_ _fucking hate you_ and then her confession.

She doesn’t feel ready.

But she has to be, because this is Jen. And even though she deserves better than Judy, Judy still has to make sure she’s okay and apologize. 

Okay.

She takes a deep breath and then pushes open the door, heart stuttering as she takes in the sight of Jen, motionless, ghostly pale, and hooked up to monitors. The skin under her eyes looks purple, but her face looks the most peaceful Judy has ever seen it—unplagued by the horrors of her waking life. 

Judy walks forward slowly, hesitating for a beat before sitting in the chair next to the bed. After another moment she reaches for Jen’s hand and holds it between her own, cradling it as gently as she can. 

She can feel the tears welling up as it hits her once again how close she came to losing her—the most important thing in her life. 

“I’m sorry,” she says. “I’m so sorry Jen. This never would have happened if it wasn’t for me.” 

Before she can continue her phone rings and she pulls it out, holding back a curse as she sees Perez’s name on the display.

“Hey… there,” she answers. “Did you find him?”

A very loud sigh comes through the speaker. 

“Yes, we found him at the Greek bar downtown. He’s claiming he wasn’t with Mrs. Harding tonight so I’m really hoping you have some good news to tell me because right now the Chief isn’t very inclined to keep him here.”

“She’s out of surgery; they think she’ll make a full recovery. The doctor said that she should be awake for a statement in the morning.”

She hears another sigh.

“You sure it can’t be any sooner than that?”

“She crashed two times!” Judy explodes, surprising even herself. “I thought she _died_ while on the phone with me and she very nearly did, and that’s because of Steve. She was resuscitated twice, so how about you tell the Chief that.”

Her heart is pounding at the words, at the way they came out of her—the way they would have come out of Jen, but Jen isn’t awake to say them herself.

“Okay.” Perez’s voice is (dare she say) gentler again. “I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thank you.” Judy hangs up the phone and a sob bursts free before she can stop it. She covers her mouth and hunches forward, as though she can physically keep herself together from the stress and heartbreak that the night has brought her. As she lets the emotions consume her, she lets her head fall forward until it’s resting on the bed near Jen’s hip and she grabs Jen’s hand in one of her own again as her eyes fall shut. 

It’s in this position as she’s not quite asleep, not quite awake, that she’s able to feel Jen’s fingers twitch—minutely at first, and then more noticeably.

“Jen?” She flies out of her seat and stands over the other woman, watching her eyelids flutter. “Jen?! Can you hear me?”

Finally her eyelids pull back and Judy gets a view of those gorgeous sea-glass eyes. They shift around quickly before finally focusing on Judy.

“Hey,” Judy says softly. “Can you hear me?”

Jen’s eyes are wide with confusion, bordering on panic and Judy knows that she has to try and keep her calm.

“I’m going to call in a nurse, okay? You were in an accident, but you’re okay-”

“Steve,” Jen interrupts her, her voice hoarse. 

Judy nods. Her eyes are watery again.

_Stop crying, idiot. Even she knows this is your fault._

(The voice in her head also sounds a lot like Steve.)

“I’m- alive?” Jen looks down, seeming to take stock of the situation. She moves her free hand towards her stomach and winces, dropping it back to the bed.

“You almost didn’t make it,” Judy says. “You- they had to- it came really close. The doctor said it missed the major arteries, but they still had to do some… repair work in there,” she finishes, a bit awkwardly.

“Lucky me.” Jen displays a weak smirk, the usual fire behind her eyes not present.

“Jen.” Judy’s voice breaks. “I’m so sorry. I know this is all my fault, just tell me what I can do to make this better—what I can do to help.”

Jen looks at her, eyes swimming with confusion. 

“Steve found you because of me. He never would have- he only did this because he’s mad at _me_. I’m the reason you’re here, the reason you nearly died-” her voice breaks again at the word. 

“Jude.” Jen’s voice is soft; her eyes kinder than Judy has ever seen them. “This wasn’t your fault.”

“Yes it was!” Judy presses. “Just like-”

Jen reaches up to put her hand over Judy’s mouth, wincing a bit with the movement. Judy rushes to help, fluttering her own hands about helplessly like she can try to take the pain away. 

“I thought I already told you. I forgive you.” Jen says it simply—like it’s the most simple thing in the world.

Judy shakes her head, the movement dislodging a tear from her eye. 

_God_ will she ever stop crying?

“Judy,” Jen says again. She’s smiling now, smiling like Judy’s her whole world—but that’s just not possible. It can’t be. Because _she’s_ the one who is _Judy’s_ world. The one who has saved Judy from herself, time and time again. Who’s made her feel whole again, especially after she never thought she would—not after the last baby, not after Steve left her. 

And there’s nothing that Judy can offer her back, so why is Jen looking at her like there is?

“Did you not listen to a word I said?” she’s smiling like it’s a joke, like this isn’t one of the most important moments in their life; like this isn’t about to change everything. “I love you.”

Judy sniffles. “You only said that because you were dying.”

“Oh shut the fuck up and just listen to me, I almost died.”

“ _Jen_.”

The woman in question lets out an exasperated sigh, but the softness never leaves her eyes. “I didn’t only say it because I thought I was going to die. I meant it. Sure, maybe the… circumstances gave me a push. But I’m tired of fighting it, I can’t.” She shifts a little bit, wincing again in pain and Judy fights the urge to physically keep her still because _seriously Jen you almost died_. 

“Life is too short Judy—clearly. And I don’t want to spend the time I have left miserable.”

They’re both crying now at the words, at the raw emotion in the room.

“You’re the only person who’s made me feel good since Ted died—fuck, you make me feel even _better_ than Ted did. You’re the best fucking person I know and I love you. So just fucking accept it, okay?” She says it fiercely (although a bit out of breath, the heavy conversation clearly taking a bit out of her) like everything depends on Judy’s response. 

And what other response can she have at this point?

“I love you too,” she says. “I have since the beginning. But Jen, I’m still so sor-”

“Nope. No more of that,” Jen says. “Can you please just kiss me already? I think that would make me feel better.”

Judy huffs out a laugh, but she’s secretly thrilled that Jen seems to be coming back to herself. So she leans forward and finally ( _finally_ ) presses her lips to Jen’s and it feels like the whole world is finally clicking back into place.

They’ll need to do a lot more talking—about what happened, about Ted, about Steve, about themselves—and the mess with Steve is nowhere near over. They’ll have to figure out what to tell the boys about what happened (and what they are now), and Judy has no idea where they go from here. 

But the one thing she does know is that Jen is alive and Jen is here—so whatever else happens, they can figure it out together.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i told you all to trust me 😇
> 
> (please leave thoughts and comments i am insecure)

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to yell at me on twitter i live for validation xx @lovemcgrath


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